The importance of self-forgiveness in your relationships
It seems like common sense that forgiveness is an important quality to improve your relationships with others. But it’s not just forgiveness that has positive benefits to your relationships; your level of self-forgiveness does too. The quality of your attachment to your own self actually has a big impact on the quality of your relationships with others.
In Buddhist thought, forgiveness is good for relationships because it is a powerful way to release intimacy obstacles like painful memories, negative thoughts, and fear. BUT forgiveness of others is only truly possible once you have extended these attitudes to your SELF. In the well-known practice of metta meditation, the act of sending loving kindness to others is initiated by sending it to yourself with words like “may I be happy, may I be safe, may I be healthy, may I live with ease”.
Popular Buddhist authors such as Tara Brach and Kristin Neff stress the importance of “self-acceptance” and “self-compassion,” and emphasize the concept of interconnectedness to help us understand that no one, not even YOU, is to blame for negative emotions, compulsive behaviors, or traumatic histories, because such things arise “from causes beyond our individual existence” (Brach). Like many Buddhist teachers, Brach and Neff teach that while you cannot control the onset of painful experiences in life, you CAN control your reactions to these experiences. This does not mean excusing yourself from hurtful behavior or giving yourself permission to act out; instead, “the aim is to release the self-hatred that closes our heart and contracts our mind” (Brach). In the words of Neff, “the only way to stop the vicious cycle of reacting to pain by causing more pain is to step out of the system. We need to let our hearts fill with compassion, and forgive ourselves and others”.
Being able to forgive yourself means being willing to feel, bear and survive (rather than drown in, deny or project outward) the upsetting emotions inside your own self. Instead of avoiding the shame of wrongdoing by withdrawing from your partner or focusing on what they have done wrong, can you stay with your own shame and pain? Can you navigate your inner emotional storm to smoother waters, forgive yourself, and find your way back to your partner? Can you love yourself enough that your nervous system settles and your thinking brain kicks in, so that you have access to the mindfulness and thoughtfulness you will need in order to repair whatever harm you may have caused?
To learn more about how self-forgiveness relates to romantic partners and family relationships, read the chapter on “Self-Forgiveness in Couples and Family Therapy” that I co-authored in Handbook of the Psychology of Self-Forgiveness: